unforgivenlife

Every time I see that line, I get so excited. Every time I tell you, your face lights up. Every time we start planning and dreaming. Every time I hope this one will make it through. Every time I get let down, false hope all around. Next time I won't get excited, I won't have hope. For I can't stand to see your face so full of sadness. I don't think I can bear anymore false hope.

Dying inside for years, can I pin point the exact moment? My heart hardening and becoming jaded with each passing moment. Living each day like a mechanical doll, going with the flow but not truly alive. Hours passing by and minutes ticking down, when will this pain subside. Hating who I am, hating what pain has turned me into. It's a different kind of pain then I'm used too, a void I can never fill. A spark of life I can never get back, a piece of myself left that day. Watching the world turn and constantly moving, while I've stopped waiting for my time to come.

You came into my life and gave me hope. I didn’t know I could love this deeply again. Then it happened and changed our lives. There was no talking about it. I kept getting worse and no one noticed. It got out of control, and I pushed you away. You are gone now, and it’s all my fault. There is no more hope left in me.

I never knew how much my heart could break, till the day I lost you. So excited the day we found out, telling every one the good news. Wondering would you be a boy or a girl, green eyes or brown. Go to my first appt maybe see an ultrasound, doc says we need to run some test. I get worried as he says come back in two days, I go home and hope the worry is all for nothing. Go back and he says your not pregnant anymore, I try my best to hide the tears. He goes on in his speech, I can't hear over my heart beat. My world is broken, my dream ripped away. I've cried so much, I thought I would drown. It's been a year now since I've heard those

I lock myself away in darkness. Never showing my true feelings. Afraid that once the thoughts begin they won't stop. Thoughts then leading to tears. Tears that show the world my weakness. The weakness of knowing what I have loss. Knowing I may not ever get it back. The emptiness that haunts my thoughts daily. Eating away at my very soul.

Bottled up and stored away, waiting for another rainy day. Kept under lock and key, for fear it will get away. Tears running silently, on the empty pillow case. Alone in the dark, fearfully awaiting that it will come awake. The pain that manifest itself into bitterness, with time taking its toll. Quietly night turns into day, a new mask is dawned to face another day.